I’ve Been Thinking

depression_felipeSitting here in my Yoda t-shirt and my warmed up chai latte from last night. I’ve been thinking terrible thoughts.

This weekend was not so good. And last night trying to sleep was really bad. My back pain gets to heights that are difficult to explain. My back pain wouldn’t allow me rest last night. I slept on the floor in the hopes that it would help, as it sometimes does, but on this occasion it made it worse. I expect to be very tired today.

I’ve been thinking terrible thoughts. I’ve been thinking about how it’s never going to get better. I’ve been thinking that there’s no point to this fucked up game we’re forced to play as we float around in space, a fragment suspended in a void, a figment of someone’s imagination.

I’ve been thinking maybe it’s a good thing I never became a parent, even when I had a chance. They say you can pass your bad experiences on in your DNA now, did you know that? I think on some level we all knew that. It’s our collective consciousness as a species. It’s how we pass on things like hatred and prejudice. It’s why some things never change. It’s in our DNA. It’s in our collective memories.

I’ve been thinking about how my grandchildren would inherit my Monster D. That wouldn’t be fair would it? I’ve been thinking about the curse of my mother’s family. How we are dying out. How sad it is that our genes will die with us. How sad it is that my mother has no one left but a former bully of a brother who is now practically catatonic from mental illness, or more likely from the “cure” for his mental illness. She’s lost so much.

Is the silver lining to this dark cloud that the curse dies with us? That we will not be passing it on for the next generation and the next….

I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s what God wants.