I’m a Sad, Sad Clown — change is hard.

Oh God Oh God Oh God……
Anxiety+GirlI have a job interview tomorrow and I’m kinda freaking out! I haven’t had to do this for almost 8 years. 8 years! I can’t believe I’ve been working The Hellmouth that long. It’s kind of sad. Also kind of sad is just how inadequate I feel I am for just about anything else.

I made myself physically sick yesterday, thinking about the interview. What if I completely shut down? What if the anxiety just takes me over and I become comatose? Just an inadequate, comatose freak, sitting there, being judged by judgy people who are really nice but can’t help but think, “what a nutter”?

The “funny” thing is, when they emailed me to tell me about the interview, they said “PLUS prepare a small story to tell or sing a rhyme or song.” That was certainly not in the brochure. Funny right? Like the universe is toying with me just for fun. Like it’s grinning like a psycho and rubbing it’s massive God-hands together and going ooh, I know how we can make this even more entertaining…let’s make her sing and rhyme in front of the panel of judgy judges…yes….

Trying to comfort myself by saying I don’t really care if I get the job, and I don’t want them to hire me if I’m not suitable anyway… it’s helping, a little. Given their unexpected request for me to play the part of clown for the panel of judges, I’m thinking they are looking for someone more extroverted than myself.

Here’s hoping I don’t implode at the interview tomorrow morning. But if you don’t hear from me again it’s because my anxiety has eaten me from the inside out. (How’s that for a visual?)

5018221_10298752_bI’m kidding. If you don’t hear from me it’s probably because in my efforts to deal, I took it too far, and instead of being my method writer self, I became my method clown self, lost touch with reality and joined the circus as a perpetually rhyming clown with no self esteem.

Wish me luck!



Crying Clown Girl, art by Alex Howell

* Anxiety Girl, comic by Natalie Dee


2 thoughts on “I’m a Sad, Sad Clown — change is hard.

  1. Aaron says:

    Wow, that’s exciting – and very out of the ordinary at the same time! I really hope you are planning on signing a rhyme. 😉 You have not written about work in a long time, but I cannot imagine that it has changed too much. Unless that evil supervisor left, then it would be different. However, you still refer to it as Hellmouth…

    Point being: I hope you find something better! Good luck in the interview! Don’t be too quick to join the circus; yes they have a happy-go-lucky appeal, but the benefits package is crap and the politics would drive you mad!

    • marypoppinz says:

      Yes, those crazy clown politics made me think twice about it.

      I used to rant about work a lot more than I do now. I think it’s in part because I’ve reached a point where working the Hellmouth is just second nature.

      Also, Evil Supervisor a.k.a. The Beast, has not left, but she has been a little calmer ever since she was in a bad car accident that left her with a very severe concussion…. I could probably go on and on about the work sitch if you let me.

      Thanks for the good luck wishes! I did not sing a rhyme, but I did sing a song. Post about mortifying job interview to come shortly 🙂

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