Points of Light – Keeping Score

It is a gorgeous, breezy, sunny Saturday, though I haven’t ventured out. I’ve been spending quality time with my laundry, tidying up a bit, while listening to the songs of my youth, Deep Forest (1992), and Enigma (1999).  I spent an insane amount of tries typing in a password for this blog, and finally got it, so I figured I better write something.

Last time, I posted about my good week, and I’ve felt pretty stable since, only a few bad days if I remember it right. (My weeks are mostly a blur still.)

Once I finally cracked my own password, I ended up on my About page and read what I had written when I started it. I said…

“…that I wasn’t going to try and put a positive spin on my life …. I wasn’t going to pretend that my depression hasn’t been the biggest influence on my life, that is hasn’t been all consuming. Because it has. I literally cannot remember a time in my life that I did not suffer from this Monster.

So there you have it. This is my depressing but honest blog about my struggle with my larger-than-life Monster D. You may find that it doesn’t all fit under the umbrella of depression. You may find that there are Points of Light and Everyday Life. I’m hoping that those posts will one day outnumber the rest.”

I’m not keeping score, but…maybe I should be? Are there enough points in my Points of Light? Considering how many years I’ve been doing this, I don’t think so. But today I’m going to count my blessings. Literally.

But…before I do that, did I mention that I switched jobs about a year ago? I don’t think I did. Well…I switched jobs. The family program I was working in ended, and they decided to expand the adult learning program, so that is where I work now. The last post I wrote that even mentioned my job was “Update on this whole life thing” back in 2014! I previously worked as a proofreader at a print house otherwise known as The Hellmouth, and then I somehow clawed my way out after many years, and found a job that was the complete opposite. Here’s my post about that memorable interview: “The Interview–sing little monkey, sing!”

Blessings are to be counted….

  1. I’ve been getting pretty comfortable in parts of my new-ish job, namely, doing learner assessments.
  2. I went to my first work-related committee meeting that I was kind of coerced into, and it went well. (And by “went well” I mean I didn’t feel wildly out-of-place and anxiety-ridden.)
  3. Ever since I started this new position I’ve had to redefine what it means to be “organized”. I’m so busy and this job is so full of grey areas and an office-crazy I can’t begin to explain, that everything was starting to slip between the cracks. Happy to say, I made a significant dent in the mounds of chaos in my office this week.
  4. It’s no longer WINTER!!! Yes, we may have skipped spring altogether and yes, the mosquitos have been frothing at their disgusting little mouths to suck my blood every time I step outside, but it’s not winter! I can step outside in slippers and no coat! I can walk to the park and read a book! I don’t have to scrape the ice and frost off my car every single morning! This is cause to celebrate.
  5. Though by most normal adult standards, my tiny little place is messy as fuck, but to me, I see the improvements. I’ve been doing pretty good with my “10-minute tidies”. This is my way of motivating myself to do those things that seem to come naturally to others. I set the timer on my phone for ten minutes, and I committ to doing as much cleaning as I can in that time. Often, once I’ve started I don’t mind it so much so I keep going.
  6. I’ve had some straight up belly laughs last week at my SO’s place. Sometimes going there doesn’t do much for my mental health (some other time), but last week he mostly made me laugh with his silliness and impersonations. Belly laughs need to be cherished. They are gold.

And on that note, I will leave you with some of the sounds of my youth. Enjoy!

 

 

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Precarious Place

people-2603644_1920I’m always afraid to talk about when I’m feeling better; like I’m going to somehow jinx it. But here it goes…guys, I’ve been feeling better!

It’s been about a week, but I feel a little lighter again, a little less stressed at work, a little newer thanks to spring finally arriving.

It’s a precarious place to be, on the verge of feeling human. I know how quickly that fades away. But I’m going to try to take advantage of it while I’m here!

 

Two of My Favourite People I’ve Never Met –Veronica Mars and Mary Poppins! Together at last.

My impersonator

The other Mary Poppins

 

 

Could it be? I knew I felt a strange connection to Kristen Bell. I thought it was because I related to her misfit character Veronica Mars, but really… I’m her! She’s me! Oh, this is so exciting.

Anyway, if you haven’t already you need to check out this video, Mary Poppins Quits, with Kristen Bell. It’s hilarious. She really does make the perfect Mary Poppins!

It’s a Foodie Post – Homemade Fresh Salsa w/ Bacon-wrapped Avocado and Kettle-style Tortilla Chips

 

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I wasn’t planning to pull a foodie on here (so the presentation could be better) but today I made homemade, fresh salsa (while listening to some awesome salsa music) and it was kind of amazing. It’s been a while since I made salsa and I forgot how much I love it. I also looked at my fridge and decided I would have it with bacon-wrapped avocado. So good. I want more.

My salsa:

  • Cherry tomatoes
  • Fresh cilantro
  • Fresh basil
  • Arugula
  • Fresh garlic cloves
  • Shallots
  • Cap full of white vinegar
  • Dash of hot sauce
  • Rock salt
  • Black Pepper
  • Celery salt

Food GOOD.

 

 

Safe Spaces and Creativity – take-two

*I’m not sure what happened with my previous post. It showed up all wonky, so I tried again here.*

Daily Prompt from “The Daily Post”

“Where do you produce your best writing — at your desk, on your phone, at a noisy cafe? Tell us how your environment affects your creativity.”

I produce my best writing in safe spaces. I’ve come to realize over the years that I can only really be myself when I feel a sense of safety and so it follows that I can only be creative when I feel safe. And for me, feeling safe most often means being alone.

a dull boy

a dull boy

When writing, I want to feel absolutely free to engage my imagination anyway I please. This might mean things get a little weird. I’m not talking Jack Torrance weird, but you might hear screaming and howling and a little bit of cackling coming from my room from time to time. This is because when I’m not listening to eerie instrumentals or freaking the neighbours out with the musical score from The Blair Witch Project, I just might be listening to a Halloween sound effects album. True story. (At least that’s my cover story).

I am fully aware that this makes me a strange person–some might even say a weirdo–and I’m okay with this. Mostly. What I’m not okay with, is being overheard while talking to myself, in character. (Shh…she’s not crazy!) I don’t do this often, but sometimes, when the spirit moves me, I just gotta.

And that’s where being alone comes in. I just can’t be my weird-method-writer-self when there’s people around. Or nearby, for that matter. I might get emotional writing a sad scene, I might laugh out loud at a funny scene, or pace the floor while muttering to myself like a not-so-sane person. These things are best done without company. In fact, I don’t think I’m capable of doing these things without complete solitude.

And that is why I produce my best writing in safe spaces.

“Safe Space” Ambiance:

 

(Holy creep-on-a-cracker, that one should give me nightmares.)