Precarious Place

people-2603644_1920I’m always afraid to talk about when I’m feeling better; like I’m going to somehow jinx it. But here it goes…guys, I’ve been feeling better!

It’s been about a week, but I feel a little lighter again, a little less stressed at work, a little newer thanks to spring finally arriving.

It’s a precarious place to be, on the verge of feeling human. I know how quickly that fades away. But I’m going to try to take advantage of it while I’m here!



The Parent, the Child and the Monster: inner conflict and making choices

My therapist has helped me to see that there’s a little kid inside me desperately trying to tell me what it needs, and that I should respect her voice. This has led me to the thought that at any given time, I am made up up three “people”: the child, the parent and My Monster D. And they are always fighting.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. I went to work, I went to yoga and a night market with a friend, and then we went to see Mad Max (great movie btw). But now my friend is trying to persuade me to go to a swing dance club tonight, and I don’t really want to.

But it’s never as simple as that. The “parent” inside is saying It doesn’t matter if you want to go, you should go. You need the social interaction and you need the exercise, and you need to be a good friend.” The child inside is going But I don’t wanna! and the Monster is threatening with You better not, or else.

So…majority rules? Or does parent know best??

Update on this whole life thing.

Dear Internet, 

Since I last posted a lot has happened. I had my last day at the Hellmouth and it was awful. It’s been extremely hot and humid here, and the air quality has sucked even more because of forest fires with far-reaching smoke. I had a tiny little office in the back of the building with no proper air circulation or air conditioning, so I was literally drenched in sweat at my office job for the last week.

One last story of the ridiculous nature of my workplace: It’s a tradition to provide a farewell lunch for people who leave the Hellmouth. So my boss, who I fondly nick-named The Beast, came to my office and said “What would you like us to have for lunch? You can pick anything you want.” To which I replied, “Hmm, let me think on it and I will get back to you shortly.” So I asked a few people on my side of the office and came to the conclusion, that instead of the traditional Chinese food, I would like to have Indian food. She predictably turned her nose up at this and said that “no one would eat it.” No one. Apparently that’s just crazy talk. Anyways, she guilted me into saying “It’s okay, I just want everyone to be able to eat. Let’s go with Chinese food.” So she tells me to check out their menu and make a list of my favourites. So I do. And the motherfuckers didn’t order a single one of them.

Don’t get me wrong, a free lunch is a free lunch, but why the Hell would you bother asking if you have no intention whatsoever of being accommodating? Typical. I was about 80% certain that it would go down that way anyway, but there was just this tiny part of me that was like, maybe….

So my last week there was stupid busy and hot and humid and sweaty and I still bloody cried on my last day. I should have been jumping up and down with joy while thumbing my nose at them and screaming “see ya later suckers”, but instead I got all stupid and teary-eyed. Have I mentioned that change is very hard for me?

My Musician Guy

My Musician Guy

Anywho, the plan was to go visit my family for a bit, come back to the city in time to go to Epic Concert, and then have a week to enjoy the fact that The People Upstairs are gone for a week, before starting my new job.

So I went home. And as soon as I got there, I got really, really sick. Had to go to the doctor, was told I have strep throat, was given antibiotics, and was sick almost the entire time I was home. It was smoky as all Hell for a few days there too, and I’m guessing the poor air quality didn’t help my sickness.

So I finally felt better on the last day, and then we leave, driving the 10 hours back to the City. The next day I found out my dad had a “minor” heart attack. What the shit? I’m freaking out about it as he’s still in the hospital and they are flying him to a bigger city for an angiogram and possible angioplasty.

I don’t know what to do. I was just there (it’s ten hours away) and I’m starting a new job very soon. They’re moving him for the out-of-town-test possibly tomorrow, but it’s not for sure, and if I went, I think I would have to fly but don’t think I have the money.

I’ve been pretty emotional. There’s a lot going on, and I can’t stand the thought of my dad in a hospital bed, emotional and frustrated that what he thought was a healthy lifestyle hasn’t made a lick of difference to his heart health. I’m scared. And I’m angry and frustrated that people can let themselves get to a point where making changes and trying new things seems absolutely out of the question. Like, I know yoga would help him in so many ways, but do you think he would ever consider trying it, even if his life was at stake? I don’t think so.

It also makes me worry about the rest of us since heart problems run pretty strongly in the family and it just feels like a destiny I don’t want for any of us, but what the shit does it matter because it’s out of our control anyway, right?


Stressed the Fuck Out 

Must do ALL THE THINGS with a side of Unhelpful Incessant Internal Dialogue

I haven’t been very proactive with my mental or physical health these days. Like journalling, for instance. (Why yes, spell-check, journalling is a verb!) Why don’t I do it? I mean more than twice a year when I’ve decided to turn over that new leaf and do ALL THE THINGS I know I’m supposed to be doing to get better. I’ve always been super supportive of the idea that it can help us all live better, happier lives, but I’ve been guilty of not practicing what I preach.

I do that a lot to be honest. And when it happens I always have this argument with myself over whether or not this makes me a hypocrite. I’m settling on no, (convenient right?). It’s funny that I even bother to have these debates with myself  since I don’t think I’ve ever actually been accused of being one, (by anyone other than myself), but that’s just one example of the incessant internal dialogue that goes on in the deep dark recesses of my mind…

Seriously though, I’m not a hypocrite. Want to know why? Because even though I like to give advice to people when they ask, or when they’re telling me about their given problem, I’m not pretending to be perfect. I’m not criticizing them for not doing these things. I’m simply saying that these things might be a good idea. I genuinely want to help when I give advice, not pretend I’m better than anyone else.

Oh God. Now I’m arguing with myself. On the internet.

clean-all-the-things-624x468I guess I’m always being critical of myself and my motivations, my excuses or reasons, in short, my everything, and this is just another example of that. Three cheers for critical self-talk, hooray!

So this is me, making one more bid to do ALL THE THINGS!!!! 

Let’s see, that’s: the “morning pages” journal writing, yoga, meditation, running, healthy eating, supplements, early to bed early to rise oh God just thinking of it makes me want to stab my alarm, random acts of kindness and SOCIAL INTERACTION, boring-life-necessities like cooking a motherf*cking meal, cleaning up the apartment, doing the laundry…

responsibility11 (1)

Pics from awesome blog-turn-book “Hyberbole and a Half” by Allie Brosh.

Yes. It’s time. Must do ALL THE THINGS.



*Have I mentioned how much I love Hyperbole and a Half?